


Jerry Potter and Company

by NotSteve



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Spoof, how the story should have happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 13:36:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15195887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSteve/pseuds/NotSteve
Summary: Jerry Potter is constantly overshadowed by his big brother the famous Harry Potter, but this year... this year it’s going to be different. This is a spoof, so don’t take it too seriously.





	Jerry Potter and Company

Freeze Frame. Yep, that’s me. No, not Harry Potter. You see the boy in the very back, behind Harry Potter and the crowd of people hovering around him? The lanky second year reading _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_? Yeah, that’s me. I’m Jerry, Jerry Potter, Harry’s lesser known little brother.  
I know you all must be shocked, for you’ve read all seven books and/or eight movies and there’s no mention of a brother. Well, I’ve been there, I assure you. I’ve merely been a background character all this time. But now, in this cruddy fanfiction, it’s my time to shine!  
As I turned the page of the book I was reading, engrossed in the wonderful story before me, Hermione Granger bumped into me.  
“Sorry, I—oh, Jerry, it’s you,” she said. “I didn’t see you there.”  
“Oh bother,” I say with a hint of melancholy.  
“ _Fantastic Beasts_ ,” she said, gesturing to my book. “Wonderful read, don’t you think?”  
“Yes, but I’m not quite sure Johnny Depp is the best choice to play Grindelwald.”  
Just then a roar of cheers erupted as Harry Potter, my famous big brother, was hoisted into the arms of the Weasley twins, who were chanting “Potter! Potter!” Harry, the one who defeated the dark Lord Voldemort with his mere thumb (I may be exaggerating a little bit, but I do it for emphasis), smiled at the attention.  
“What are you doing in Gryffindor tower?” questioned Hermione, for I was a Hufflepuff.  
“I think it best that I stay away from the Hufflepuffs for the time being.” You see, I made my special peanut butter chocolate chip cookies last night before the big quidditch game, and it seems Cedric Diggory, Hufflepuff’s seeker, is allergic to both peanut butter and chocolate. The poor man nearly died. He forgave me at once, of course, but, unfortunately, the Hufflepuff’s are still bruised about the whole situation, especially since I was their replacement seeker and vowed to win the match for Cedric, even going as far as betting his life on it. I’m not too worried about it, though; I’ll just go to the kitchen later and bake some more cookies for them. Hufflepuffs forgive easily; I know I do, anyway.  
“Right,” said Hermione.  
“Potter! Potter!” chanted the Weasley twins as they carried Harry, my dear brother, around the common room as if he were their king. Oh! King Harry.  
Having enough of King Harry’s antics, I quietly slip out, the fat lady shocked to even see me, knowing all too well that I do not belong there. She opened her mouth to speak (or rather scold me), but somebody else spoke up first:  
“Vlimey, Potter!” It was Vlane, my Slytherin best friend. He was also in his second year at Hogwarts. “There you are. I’be veen looking for you eberywhere!” Vlane has a tendency to say his V’s like B’s and his B’s like V’s. I’m used to it now, but it sure has gotten us into some sticky situations in the past.  
“Sorry, Vlane—“  
“No... it’s Vlane,” he says, with an emphasis on the V.  
“Yeah, that’s what I said,” I say. “Vlane.”  
“No, my name is Vlane,” he says. “V as in Vogart... Why does ebery one call me that? You know what, forget it, call me Blane for all I care...  
“Professor Snape needs to see us,” he continued. “He says it is of the utmost importance that we come to his office immediately.”  
I sighed, knowing all too well what kind of scolding we were about to endure.

“WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” roared Snape. “YOU TOLD ME THEY WOULD LOSE! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I BET ON YOU?” He huffed, turning away from the boys. “Quidditch prodigy my ass,” he mumbled. “I can’t let Slytherin lose again to those... those-“  
“Vuffons?” suggested Vlane.  
“-assholes,” said Snape.  
“Just give me more time,” I say. “I’ll get you your win. I promise. Tomorrow’s the talent show and Vlane and I are doing magic tricks.”  
“That won’t get you anything, Potter!” he said with a snarl. “In case you haven’t noticed this whole damn school does magic tricks!”  
“But not _muggle_ magic tricks,” I say, a smirk forming on my face.  
“The audience will sure to gibe us the golden win,” said Vlane happily.  
“Yes... yes, that’s brilliant,” said Snape in a whisper. “Arthur Weasley is the top judge this year... This could actually work.”  
“Of course it’ll work,” I say confidently. “When have my plans never not worked?”  
Snape raised an eyebrow, letting a fowl frown grow on his face.

“Welcome, wizards and witches,” announced Professor McGonagall proudly, “to the Thirty-first Annual Hogwarts Talent Show Competition. Each house will compete for the Hogwarts house cup.  
“Gryffindor is in first place with two hundred and forty-five points.” The Gryffindor team erupted into cheers, banging hard on their table, making sure everyone could hear them loud and clear. “Followed by Slytherin, who have two hundred and fifteen points.” Slytherin House all hollered, jumping out of their seats excitingly. “Ravenclaw is at one hundred and thirty, while Hufflepuff is in last with one hundred and one points.  
“It’s still anyone’s game,” she promised, though the smile on her face told me she was confident Gryffindor was gonna win. “We shall begin with a word from our sponsor.”  
McGonagall stepping aside, a big buff man emerged from the crowd. “Do YOU want to be BUFF like ME?” he questioned, flexing his big muscled tricep. “Well now ANYONE can,” he said, holding up a bottle of pink liquid, “with Rawling’s Magical Muscle Mixture.  
“Now, you all might be thinking, ‘ _Rawling, the Magical Muscle Mixture man, how did you create such a delicious mixture that also makes you beautiful_?’ With magic, of course,” he said, smiling. All the girls in the crowd, including one Hermione Granger, squealed as he flexed more of his muscles. “Call now and I’ll include my blue mixture, which helps with hair growth. Or just stop at my store, Rawling’s Magical Muscle Mixture. Tell them Rawling sent you,” he said with a wink.  
Everyone applauded as he left the stage and Dumbledore appeared. “Thank you Rawling, the Magical Muscle man,” he said happily. “Our first contestant is unfortunately unable to perform, due to a peanut butter and chocolate incident.” I felt my face heat up as the Hufflepuffs all glared at me. “But Mr. Diggory, nonetheless, wishes his Hufflepuff family the very best of luck in this talent competition.  
“Moving on to our second competitors, Hermione Granger will now perform a rendition of _God Save the Queen_ with Ginny Weasley on the piano. Ladies,” he said and both Hermione and Ginny went on the stage.  
The performance, though very dull, nevertheless seemed to astonish Mr. Weasley, who was in tears by the end. Every contestant must have been told that mundane muggle stuff excites him because it seemed that everyone was doing muggle things. The Patil twins tapped dance. Cho Chang recited a Law and Order episode by heart. The only one not to do anything muggle related was Draco Malfoy, who conjured up three snakes with his wand and forced them to eat each other. The competition is tough this year, I’m beginning to realize, but I know me and Vlane are tougher.  
“And finally Mr. Jerry Potter and Mr. VobleVooboo will be doing magic tricks,” he said, reading his notecard. “Correction, they will be doing _muggle_ magic tricks.”  
The crowd gasped as me and Vlane made our way up to the stage. I couldn’t help but smile; we had this thing in the palm of our hands. Vlane was dressed in his muggle magician suite, top hat and everything, while I wore my lovely assistant’s dress.  
“Ladies and gentlemen,” started Vlane, removing his hat. “Watch carefully, for I will not ve repeating myself...  
“Jerry, my lobely assistant,” he said, handing me his hat, “is there anything out of the ordinary about this hat?”  
I look inside and shrug. “Looks like a normal hat to me,” I say.  
“Oh, vut it’s not,” he said. Three taps on his fake muggle wand and Vlane reaches into the hat and pulls out a rabbit. The audience oohs and ahhs, followed by applause, captivated by the trick.  
Dropping the hat and placing the rabbit in my care, Vlane then picks up two large rings. “As you can see here, these rings are not meant to connect... or are they?” Forcefully, he clashed the two rings together and they connected. The crowd went wild. Mr. Weasley nearly fainted.  
“We gotta finish strong,” I whisper to Vlane as I help him wheel in a giant box. In the distance I see Professor Snape, looking quite impressed, if I do say so myself. I was going to win this one. For Snape and for Hufflepuff. “Remember, before you reopen the box, you have to say the magic words: _Abada Kedabra_. Got it?”  
“Right,” he nods confidently before turning back to the audience. “For my last trick, ladies and gentlemen, I will need help from someone in the audience. Any takers?”  
Almost everyone’s hands shot up. The only one who didn’t seem interested was Malfoy and a few of his friends. “What avout you, sir?” he said, pointing with his fake muggle wand at Professor Flitwick down in the front.  
Squealing excitingly, Flitwick wabbled his way up on stage.  
“Now, this may seem like an ordinary plain old muggle box,” Vlane said, opening it, “vut I assure you it is so much more!  
“Professor,” said Vlane dramatically, “if you would.”  
Flitwick entered the box and I closed the box securely and spun it around three times, just how we practiced (of course now there was a living person inside the box instead of Vlane’s stuffed serpent).  
“Now, on the count of three I will make our professor... disappear,” he said. Tapping his muggle wand onto the box, Vlane began counting. “One. Two... Three. Avada Kedavra!”  
Vlane’s muggle wand spirt out a flash of green. There was a crashing noise and Professor Flitwick came falling out. He lay on the floor, still. Upon closer inspection, I realized what hadn’t happened. Professor Flitwick was dead.


End file.
